there are photos of me on facebook and i look like a corpse

this is actually really disturbing. it was really cold that night and like maybe my eye makeup smudged? because it just looks like i walked off the set of a zombie movie. maybe i’m dead and i just don’t realise it. what. i need to sleep lol.

Hamish and Andy go a week ‘Freeating”. Hilarity ensues.

me: so mum is going to be 47 in two weeks...
grandmere: oh my god, I've got a nearly-50 year old daughter!
me: don't let her hear you say that! she'll get upset!
grandmere: SHE'LL get upset? how the hell do you think I feel, I'm nearly 80!

so I was watching the news and this literally just happened:

the-absolute-funniest-posts:

reporter: it appears that sydney is running out of burial grounds
reporter: it’s a grave situation

(Source: triptophobia)

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
rough and ready
Kurtis Sawyer
rough and ready

atticrissfinch:

peevesthepoltergeist:

selonian:

yodaismyguidedog:

egobus:

blainetheasspirate:

but-what-if-i-want-wings:

A Dramatic Reading of Sandra Hill’s “Rough and Ready”

god bless

there are literally tears in my eyes omg 

that is one of the best things I’ve heard all day, :’)

it’s like a really horrible fanfiction

ugh oh god

as he suffered from dick parkinsons 

buttermilk bosom

throbbing meat wand

help. i can’t stop laughing.

THERE IS A SECRET I NEED TO TELL YOU. YOU ARE MY FORBIDDEN DESIRE.

best conversation with an old lady at the bus stop today:

her: oh, I'm sick of all these stupid cooking shows!
me: what?
her: *pointing at an ad on the side of the bus* the Hunger Games! They're getting more ridiculous as they go on!
me: yeah. in this one they probably just have to kill each other off to win
her: I wouldn't be surprised, lovie!

My absolute favourite GloZell video. The REAL meaning behind Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’.

*grandmere is trying to cheer me up*
grandmere: oh, but you are hot!
me: no. not even a little bit
grandmere: oh. then you're cool!
me: not even close
grandmere: okay. you're tepid then.
me: sure
*2 minutes later*
grandmere: close the gate please
me: I can't, my hands are full... wait a minute
*closes gate with foot*
me: WHO'S TEPID NOW, BITCHES?!

wellalright:

sometimes i walk past people who are extremely attractive and it’s weird, like i’ll make eye contact with them and realize, “oh i’m not even getting picked up on their sexual radar right now. i don’t even register. i’m not even a little green blip. when they look at me they just see like a mannequin with a backpack.” like the default is usually to assume they think you look terrible, but in reality it’s just like you’re part of nature. like a tree.